How to heal after an affair is one of the most painful and complex challenges a couple can face. The shock of betrayal can feel like an emotional earthquake—shattering trust, security, and the very foundation of a relationship. In my work as a relationship therapist, I am often asked variations of that question: How can we heal after an affair? Is it even possible? Is it possible for US?
Whether it’s a sexual affair, an emotional affair, or both, a one-night stand or a long-term affair, recovering after infidelity is one of the most challenging and emotional relationship traumas couples endure. After the devastating discovery of an affair comes to light, it feels like the world has tipped on its axis. In my experience helping couples heal after an affair, there are three main phases I help couples navigate through in their recovery.
Healing After an Affair Phase 1: Triaging Shock & Trauma
For the partner who was cheated on, the first phase is one marked by shock, disbelief, and anger. This person has just experienced a major relationship trauma, and they need a lot of support, validation, and patience with the myriad of feelings and questions they are experiencing. Betrayal trauma can cause symptoms similar to PTSD, including hypervigilance and emotional distress. According to the American Psychological Association, understanding these very normal reactions can help the hurt partner navigate their emotions more effectively.
The uncertainty of whether it is possible to heal after an affair is very high in this phase. I use the word “Triage” to define it because its goal is to attend to the betrayed partner’s emotional wounds. At this stage, it is 95% about the betrayed partner and what that person needs to survive the initial impact of the affair discovery. The hurt partner has innumerable questions, and their brain is on overdrive trying to make sense of what happened. They are feeling grief and sadness one minute, rage the next, wanting reassurance, and then wanting space… it’s a rollercoaster for both partners.
Navigating this stage and giving it the time it needs specific to each couple and situation is vital for the couple to be ready to move into the rest of the affair healing process. It is important to recognize that both partners have varying feelings during this initial phase, but the focus needs to first be on the hurt partner to allow them the time and space to grapple with what has happened with patience, validation, and empathy. In my experience, if this part doesn’t get the time and focus it deserves, the recovery process is compromised. The hurt partner will not be able process what led to the affair until they are through this crucial first phase. Once the hurt partner is ready, they can dip their toe into phase 2.
Phase 2: Understanding the Context
After the betrayed partner’s fight-flight response has calmed down to a more manageable level, and only when they are ready, the couple can start to move into the second phase of healing after an affair: Understanding the Context. In this phase, the betraying partner shares more about their experience and feelings. The couple begins to explore and understand the contributing factors to the affair. This is not to be mistaken for shared responsibility for the actions of the person who cheated. Rather, it is to dig into the personal and relational context to what has occurred, as well as identifying any underlying unhealthy relationship patterns. Examples of this might include:
What need was the partner trying to meet in their choice to cheat?
What vulnerabilities has the partner identified that led them to make this decision (i.e., difficulty with boundaries, low self-esteem, alcohol use, impulse control)?
What was the perceived state of the relationship for each partner leading up to the affair?
Is there a history of infidelity in the family or in past relationships, for either partner?
Affairs often stem from unmet emotional needs, impulse control issues, or attachment wounds. Research from The Gottman Institute explores the deeper reasons behind infidelity, helping couples gain insight into the relational dynamics at play.
In this phase, the couple is partnering to understand the problems and, with that awareness, working to both process what has happened and identify areas for relationship change. Healing after an affair is possible.
Phase 3: Rebuilding the Relationship
In phase 3, both partners are likely feeling more confident in their answer to the question of whether a couple can heal after an affair. They have done a lot of deep and hard work to get to this point, and both are feeling ready and relieved to focus more on the future of their relationship rather than the past.
All along the affair healing process, the couple has worked to repair the trauma to the relationship caused by the affair, build back trust, and identify areas both partners feel need some improvement to set themselves up for a meaningful and connected relationship. Phase 3 is for a couple to focus on shoring up the rest of the relationship beyond the affair itself. Improving communication, conflict, intimacy, partnership, connection… these are all common things couples might tackle in this final phase of affair recovery, with rebuilding trust as a thread that runs through the whole process.
Rebuilding trust takes time, transparency, and consistent effort. It is normal to doubt whether truly healing after an affair is possible for a couple. Choosing this path is not for everyone. But for those who want to try, there is a path not only to recovery after an affair, but also to a solid and thriving relationship.
Seeking Professional Help to Heal After an Affair
You don’t have to navigate the pain of infidelity alone. Healing after an affair is possible, and with the right guidance, your relationship can emerge stronger than before. If you’re ready to rebuild trust and connection, I’m here to help. Learn more about Renovation Counseling here.
